Starting new and in memorium.

I haven't written here for a long time, for a variety of reasons, but mainly because sometimes my thoughts are better left in my own head!

2012 was full of a great number of challenges.  It was a year of learning who I am, who my friends are, and of increased self-confidence.  But it was also marked with the loss to cancer of one of my closest surrogate family members and mentors

Andre lost his battle with pancreatic cancer on December 21st after being diagnosed in September.  The day he told me, we both cried profusely.  In the following two months, we reconnected after a couple of years of not seeing much of each other - he was Dean, I was busy, life went on.  But in the 6 weeks after his diagnosis, while he was still able to communicate and feeling not too bad, we talked.  Mainly we discussed my new motorcycle - but that made him happy and that was the most important thing.  In the following weeks, he was not able to communicate as he was bed-ridden most of the time.  He finally gave in to this horrible disease last friday, and yesterday was his memorial/funeral.  The reality of the situation finally hit me yesterday - he's gone.  Never again will he pull out a piece of paper and explain something to me in his infinitely patient way.  Never again will he call me up and just say "pet" repeatedly.  I can't turn to him for motorcycle advice.  Who do I bring home rock samples for after my trips now?  So many things are gone from my life without him in it.  When I came to Ottawa in 1997, he was so welcoming and supportive.  He was always there for me, through good and bad, during my PhD and after.  He's held me as a I cried, rejoiced with me when good things happened.  He really was like a surrogate father to me, the father I always wanted.  I regret that we drifted apart over the last years, but that doesn't mean we were out of each other's minds and hearts. 

Yesterday's memorial was beautiful.  Everyone who spoke told about the loving, caring, joyful person Andre was.  I hold fast to JP's comment that he touched us all and that we all now carry a piece of him within us.  Tony said he will remember him as light.  And that is true too.  I will look up at the sky and remember the times when he attempted to teach me astronomy in -30 deg night weather in the backwoods of Buckingham.  But I will miss him.  I hurt.  A lot.  It was way too early for him to be taken from our lives. 

But Andy's right - we have to celebrate that we had the opportunity to know and love such a man, that he was a part of our lives.

But that doesn't mean I'm still not sad and hurting and grieving.  Andre, I love you and I will miss you horribly.  

2013 will be better.  It has to be.  In the last month, I have learned that I have friends around me who love me and will stand by me, even if maybe they aren't the ones I thought they would be.  A couple of people stepped up who took me by surprise.  But surprises are good.

I have learned that I am actually stronger than I thought and I shouldn't let people treat me badly.

And above and beyond, I have learned that life is way too short, so love your friends and tell them so.  Live each day in the present and try not to look forward or back. 

On Jan 7th, I'm headed to Thailand.  I wasn't going to go this year, but I think I need a real holiday, a bit of a retreat to clear my mind, get some Vitamin D.  It's been a productive fall, science-wise, and I expect the winter/spring to be the same.  I think I have finally found my inner mineralogist and the confidence to stand by my work.  But right now, I need to put my physical body through the ringer, exhaust myself, and clear my head.