It's been a quiet year in the blog-o-sphere, but that is okay as much of what the little gerbils in my head were pondering was not really suitable to the general public! It's been a long past 2 years, oh great followers (all 2 of you!), but as the saying goes, I have come out the other side. You either stay where you are, stagnate and don't grow, or you face your demons, work through the hard stuff, accept the growing pains and resultant scars, and move on, hopefully as a better person, more aware. I think I have done the latter, partially due to some hard lessons and tough love, and partially due to a full year of therapy! At least I would like to think I am in a better head space, better than I have been in in 10 years actually, and I'm hoping that the few who know me well enough can attest to this.
So 2014 begins! I plan for it to be a good one. And, although it's only January 11th, it has been good so far. Having a positive outlook does help. Professionally, so far so good - I was just granted Adjunct Professor status in the Department of Earth Sciences at Laurentian University, and just had 2 papers published in Canadian Mineralogist. My research is (mostly) moving forward and, as a researcher, I have a much better sense of who I am. I am not as dependent on other people to help me, guide me, nor do I feel the need to justify my thoughts to anyone else or look for approval, and am feeling much more confident in my conclusions. Traveling by myself to a number of labs and museums this past summer, and having a PhD student, has demonstrated to me that I am actually smart, a good scientist, and can hold my own in this world of mineralogical research. My ideas are not insignificant, I don't have to take a backseat to my older, male colleagues. I have moved out from underneath the shadow of my mentors, my elders, and allowed myself to stand up and say hell ya, actually, I am a good mineralogist. I may be right, I may be wrong, but if I do my best, that is all I can ask out of myself, and let others have their own opinions. What other people think is NOT the most important thing. I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations except MY OWN. And even then, my own expectations might be a bit too high most of the time! It may sound trivial, but it has been a HUGE step for me. I think it makes me a better researcher, a better collaborator, a better colleague.
Having confidence in myself as a scientist has allowed me to have confidence in myself outside of work. I'm more comfortable in my own skin lately. It has taken hours and hours of therapy to allow me to realize that I am a good person and to actually accept the fact that people WANT to be around me. And that I shouldn't let other people control my emotions or my sense of self-worth or take me for granted. It's taken a some, well, difficult periods and blow-outs, some growing pains, with good friends to teach me a few very important lessons. Two of those relationships survived and, I think, are stronger for it. I cherish those two more each day and feel I can be more open with both of them without fear and without minimizing myself and my feelings. One of the friendships, I'm unsure about. But I realize that I can only be responsible for my own actions and my own emotions and that I can't always be the one apologizing and running back, tail tucked, begging for friendship and love. Accept and love me for who I am. Or don't. I have to love and accept my friends for who they are in return. Love/friendship you have to beg for isn't worth it. It's emotional blackmail and a sort of emotional purgatory.
I have discovered my spine this year. It had been missing for a while so I am glad to have it back.
Along with the whole confidence movement, I have decided to fight in June at the TBA tournament in Iowa. It's a direct result of the last year of emotional growth. How something so physical, so, well, violent, can be tied into bettering one's self, I'm not sure, but there it is! I'll be a few days away from my 40th birthday the weekend of the tournament.. There are days where I seriously think there is something wrong with me for wanting to fight when I'm 40. But there are other days when I think that I have grown and matured as a fighter since the last time I fought, in 2008, and therefore I have more tools at my disposal, including (better) control of my temper and emotions. I'm an instructor now, I have trained many times in Thailand, at various camps, I have grown in the gym and moved past some of the challenges that have plagued me in the past, most of which have been of my own construction. So why not challenge myself with a fight? I want to prove something to myself. What that is exactly, I have a hard time verbalizing. I worry that my drive to fight, that killer instinct, is a bit dulled as a result of the last few years, but I guess we'll see. It's a question I want to ask but am scared of the answer. Not "am I good enough?" but "am I strong enough?". Although I guess killer instinct/warrior mentality and anger/temper are two separate things, at odds with one another. I hope I have only dumped the anger/temper but maintained the warrior strength. I have dreams about knocking people out in fights, so some of that warrior mentality is still alive and well. I approach training in a more cerebral, structured way now. This also includes weekly private training sessions to focus on my goal. I want to fight. I want to win a belt. I just hope my body and mind hold up under the training. A nagging chronic heel injury has me, on certain days, literally crying in frustration. But it's just part of the game and I'll deal with it.
That's quite a bit of brain farts for the first blog of year, isn't it?! A sort of New Year's Resolution I guess.
I resolved that 2014 would be a turning-point, a change for the better.
It's been a good start.
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